Featured in the 2023 Winter Issue of Rambunctious
(Introduction to the conclusion of section 8 of chapter 4 in which doris gets her oats)
By George Theobald, ’24
Hello reader! I am the Great Gaspo, non-meaningful commentary guaranteed!
Allow me to introduce Willy Walter Williams. Willy (or Tri-Dubs, as I like to call him) has
one big problem, he’s completely, brutally, magnificently, horrifically, sandwitchly, and a
whole lot of other ly words, honest. Ol’Tri-Dubs couldn’t lie to a deaf frog. Today we’ll be
taking a look at Tri-Dubs’ last day in school, as a senior, before summer break. Also,
please note that I couldn’t care less about my job, and really plan to phone this bit in.
We commence our story outside of Sunshine Super Mega Rainbow Exploding
Unicorn High School (or remember to put joke here as I like to call it). A tradition at
I’m-not-writing-that-name-again High School was for all the parents to wave goodbye to
their children, as the children use their new, hot off the press driver’s license to total the
car their parents bought them on the way home from school ($10 says that last
sentence was so long that you forgot what I was talking about). It just so happens that
Tri-Dubs’ parents had decided to arrive 8 hours early, and I want you to imagine them
waving in the background for the rest of the story.
Oh look, there’s Tri-Dubs’ friend Walter William Wilson! (Are you confused yet?)
TD: “Hey Walter. You ready to consider jumping out the window while our teachers
invent boring games and give forgettable speeches?”
Walter: “No. I should’ve skipped today.”
At this point the pair walk awkwardly in silence to their respective classrooms because
neither can think of something to say that they believe the other would find cool.
As Tri-Dubs enters history he sees his teacher, Miss Frizzle (this story falls under
fair use copyright laws), then walks down the aisle of desks to his desk in the back.
Frizzle: “Hello Willy. Excited for your last day of school?”
TD: “Your dress looks horrible.”
TD speaking to Student no one cares about #1: “That pimple on your forehead is
incredibly distracting.”
TD speaking to Student no one cares about #2: “That shirt does make you look fat.”
TD speaking to Student no one cares about #3: “You’re just dumb.”
TD speaking to Student no one cares about #4: “That laptop doesn’t make you look
smart, it just makes you look arrogant.”
TD speaking to Student no one cares about #5: “Everyone knows that you’re keeping
your hood up for attention, not warmth.”
History passes and our hero chooses to spend his time studying the classroom
clock. Did you know there’s 60 seconds in one minute, and 60 minutes in one hour?
How does a day divide perfectly into groups of 60? Surely we’re being manipulated by
the CIA. Come to the free market of Facebook to find the truth!
Next Tri-Dubs has French with Monsieur Hamburger (Miss your Um b air g air).
In French they write sentences in French about what they’re going to do over summer
vacation. What a challenging activity, and GREAT LEARNING OPPORTUNITY for
SENIORS in High School. Once Burger King’s favorite teacher realizes his mistake, he
decides to add lots of requirements to the writing 10 minutes before it’s due. Those darn
students should have developed their writing into a Nobel Prize winning essay without
the teacher’s instructions.
TD speaking to the student next to him: “I’m sure glad we won’t have to deal with
Hammy boy after today.”
Student next to TD: “He’s not that bad.”
TD: “Shut up, I was trying to be cool. You’re also a suck up.”
Suddenly Tri-Dubs hears the glorious, releasing sound of the bell. It’s lunch time.
What snack shall Tri-Dubs buy today? Chips, a pretzel, or the coveted fruit gummies?
TD: “I’ll take a bag of Doritos.”
Cashier: “Would you like to try our new gluten free cookies?”
TD: “I LITERALLY just said Doritos! Secondly, all gluten free baked goods taste like the
ashes of burnt roadkill! Thirdly, just because one gluten free kid’s mom (who I’m sure
spends her days gossipping about her neighbors) wines to the school doesn’t mean you
have to ruin everyone else’s time. Also why isn’t my stupid number working on this
stupid key pad?”
Students input their specific stupid number into the stupid keypad to pay for their
snacks.
Cashier: “We just changed the numbers.”
TD: “Without telling anybody? Did the council of parents who have too much time on
their hands, and who are too involved in their child’s lives come up with that one?”
Cashier: “Who?”
TD: “The school board.”
Oh joy! Tri-Dubs gets to leave school just after lunch, because the last day of
school is a half day. Tri-Dubs rides off into the sunset, with his parents close behind
(they’ve stopped cheering at this point, as they realize they have to pay for Tri-Dubs’
college). The sunset is too bright and Tri-Dubs drives into a ditch.
Alright I’m ending now, the Google Docs word count function says I’ve passed
the minimum 750 words. It would be greatly appreciated if you could leave I, the Great
Gaspo, a 11/5 star review on wearentstealingyouripadress.com. We’ll need your credit
card number, and your social security number to make sure no one else can leave a
comment in your good name.