2022-2023, Play

Planetary Issues

By Nicole Chen, ’26

EXT. IN AN ALLEYWAY

Silhouettes of two women can be seen. NEPTUNE is sitting against the wall on the left and JUPITER stands over her. JUPITER shakes her head and sighs. A gray bag leans against the wall.

JUPITER

You need to get that patched up.

(JUPITER points at a bottle-size wound in NEPTUNE’S right arm)

NEPTUNE

No, I don’t. I feel perfectly fine.

JUPITER

That’s probably because you’re pumped on adrenaline. A wound that size will give you an infection.

NEPTUNE

It’s genuinely not that serious! I’ll be fine.

(NEPTUNE stands up and falls back down. NEPTUNE looks away from JUPITER)

JUPITER

Neptune, look at me. That is a BULLET wound in your shoulder. You need to get it fixed.

(NEPTUNE looks back at JUPITER)

NEPTUNE

Bullet wound, smullet wound. I’ve been in the business for years and no bullet wound has ever stopped someone.

JUPITER

…Has it ever killed anyone?

(NEPTUNE looks away sheepishly)

Neptune, just get it fixed. Besides, it’s bleeding a ton.

NEPTUNE

Jupiter, look around. Do you see a doctor? I didn’t think so!

JUPITER

I mean, I am a medical student. What if I patched you up?

NEPTUNE

Are you insane?

JUPITER

A bit. But it’s better than watching you bleed out in this alleyway!

NEPTUNE

Fine. Patch me up doctor.

JUPITER

Quiet. Alright, first I’m going to touch your arm.

(JUPITER touches the exposed flesh)

NEPTUNE

That’s fantasti-ow! Watch where you touch before you worsen my wound!

JUPITER

Oh boo hoo, me touching it hurts all of a sudden. You’re such a baby.

(JUPITER takes out a medical kit from the gray bag)

NEPTUNE

Whatever, now can you hurry up? The Big Bad Villain is still running away while you’re busy poking me!

(JUPITER takes out a pair of tweezers from the kit)

JUPITER

Blah blah blah. Hold still cause this is gonna hurt

(JUPITER digs the tweezers into NEPTUNE’s arm and fishes the bullet out)

NEPTUNE

OW! CAREFUL TOUCHING THE BULLET.

JUPITER

I warned you.

(JUPITER returns the tweezers and takes out a needle threaded with string. JUPITER gives NEPTUNE the strap of the bag)

NEPTUNE

H-hey what are you doing with that needle?

JUPITER

Hush, and bite that. I’ve watched enough Grey’s Anatomy to know this’ll hurt.

(NEPTUNE groans)

Ready? 3, 2, and poke.

(JUPITER pierces NEPTUNE’S skin)

NEPTUNE

Son of a- you didn’t say one! And plus, don’t you have ANY anesthetics in that medical kit?

JUPITER

Learn to be quiet, I can’t concentrate with you talking.

(JUPITER finishes stitching up NEPTUNE)

NEPTUNE

I should have just gone to a doctor.

JUPITER

Shush.

NEPTUNE

Whatever, I have to get back to chasing him, I’ll see you around.

(NEPTUNE stands and exits the scene. JUPITER scowls)

JUPITER

A thank you would have been nice!