Featured in the 2015 Fall Issue of Rambunctious
By Kristina Bell, ’17
(Lights go up in the livingroom of Ethel and George Wright, parents of Kevin Wright, a sophomore at Georgetown University. As the lights come up, Ethel is busy preparing snacks on the coffee table and is waiting the arrival of her son and his new girlfriend, Caitlyn, to arrive home from Thanksgiving break. The doorbell rings.)
ETHEL
Sammy! My baby’s here!
(ETHEL goes over to answer the door.)
KEVIN
(While hugging his mother, as she repeatedly kisses him on both cheeks, and goes on and on about how she missed him so much.)
Haha. Hi mom. This is Caitlyn.
CAITLYN
Hello, Mrs. Wright. It’s nice to meet you.
(Extends her hand to greet ETHEL.)
ETHEL
Lovely to meet you, too, dear. Come! Sit down and enjoy some snacks.
(The two follow ETHEL, bags in hand, to the sofa.)
Kevvy, take your bags upstairs and say hello to Sammy and Jack while you’re at it. They’ve been talking about how much they miss their big college brother!
(ETHEL smiles warmly and KEVIN awkwardly hauls the large bags off SR, tripping several times. CAITLYN and ETHEL sit down on the sofa.)
CAITLYN
Oh! I didn’t realize Kev had younger brothers!
ETHEL
Oh, no honey. They’re not biologically related. Just pals!
CAITLYN
Kevin has some friends staying here this weekend, as well?
ETHEL
Nope! They live here year round.
CAITLYN
Oh. Kevin didn’t mention that. When will I get to meet them?
ETHEL
Soon. They’re napping now.
(ETHEL picks up a picture of two cats in pumpkin costumes from the side table.)
This is them! On Halloween.
CAITLYN
(Confused)
They’re cats?
ETHEL
Shh. They don’t know that.
CAITLYN
What?
ETHEL
Oh, surely Kevin Must’ve mentioned to you my profession. I’m a certified whisperer.
CAITLYN
You’re a cat whisperer? Didn’t you get your PhD from Georgetown?
ETHEL
Yep! PhD in the art of Catacommunication.
CAITLYN
So, you like, talk to cats?
ETHEL
Oh no, honey! Not quite. I speak on behalf of them. You see, felines are often misrepresented in society. They’re understood as being quiet, moody individuals who don’t necessarily have a lot to say. But let me tell you, can some of them gab! Haha!
CAITLYN
(Looking very confused and suddenly realizing how many pictures of cats litter the living room as she looks around.)
Are these all your…patients?
ETHEL
Yes, they are! In fact, my little KevDev shares the same gift. He can converse with those little buggers in four different languages! Haha! The most easily interpreted is Mandarin.
CAITLYN
(Looking worried and stunned.)
Wow…Impressive…
ETHEL
Let me show ya to the gang!
(Gets up and starts going to each of the pictures, telling CAITLYN the names and stories of each cat. All the while, CAITLYN stares at her in disbelief, looking slightly queasy.)
KEVIN
(Entering from SR.)
Mom, are you scaring her? Haha.
(ETHEL and KEVIN look at CAITLYN.)
CAITLYN
(Nervously.)
Oh no! Not at all.
ETHEL
Well, I’m going to go start dinner.
(She stands up.)
Let me know if you two love birds need anything!
(ETHEL’S cell phone rings and she answers it.)
Felix?… You remember what I told you, now… You can either run from the past or you can learn from it…
(She exits SL and KEVIN sits down next to CAITLYN on the couch, putting his arm around her.)
KEVIN
(Noticing CAITLYN’S furrowed look.)
Babe, relax. Everything is going to be fine. My parents will love you.
(Kissing the top of her head.)
My mom already does. I can tell.
(CAITLYN smiles and knods.)
Dad!
GEORGE
(Entering in a work suit and briefcase from SR. His tie sports little cats on it in a subtle way.)
Hey, Bud! Good to see ya!
(KEVIN and GEORGE embrace.)
Now, who is this fine piece of female?
KEVIN
Dad, this is Caitlyn. Caitlyn, this is my dad, George.
CAITLYN
(Getting up to give GEORGE a handshake.)
Nice to meet you Mr.-
(Her handshake is interrupted when GEORGE embraces her in an uncomfortable hug that lasts a little too long.)
GEORGE
Caitlyn, we’re practically family. I mean, come on! If my son ever gets over his stifling commitment issues and pops the question, we will be! Haha. LOL, you should’ve heard what his last girlfriend said about him. They were dating for almost two whole years and not once did he ever want to talk about the future. We were all so concerned. For a while there, we thought little Kevin liked other little Kevins more than he liked little Jessicas!
(GEORGE laughs hysterically, followed by an awkward pause. GEORGE clears his throat.)
Call me George.
CAITLYN
(Nervously laughing.)
Okay, George.
GEORGE
(Suddenly very serious.)
Who do you think you are, you entitled little brat? Call me Mr. Wright like a respectful young woman.
(Awkward silence. GEORGE starts laughing hysterically.)
I’m joking! You need to get a sense of humor!
(Another awkward pause.)
Hey, what did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
KEVIN
What?
GEORGE
Ooh! Donut seeds!!
(KEVIN and GEORGE laugh hysterically, while CAITLYN stands looking hurt.)
How did the blonde try and kill the bird?
KEVIN
How?
GEORGE
By throwing it off a cliff!
(The two laugh hysterically again, and CAITLYN rolls her eyes.)
GEORGE
(Noticing her blonde hair.)
Ohh. That’s awkward.
ETHEL
(Entering SL with a tray of fruit, including grapes. CAITLYN and KEVIN sit next to one another, and GEORGE sits in an armchair next to the couch. After prepping everything, ETHEL sits right in between CAITLYN and KEVIN.)
Kevvy, do you want some grapes?
KEVIN
(Excitedly, clearly loving being babied.)
Sure!
(ETHEL puts a bib on KEVIN and then takes some grapes and starts cutting them in half for him. She then takes a fork and feeds them to him, “Here comes the train!” style. Then suddenly, KEVIN starts to choke. GEORGE rushes over after a few seconds and starts giving him the Heimlich Maneuver. All the while, KEVIN looks like a cat choking up a hairball. After a few seconds of GEORGE awkwardly performing abdominal thrusts, a grape comes flying out. Clearly exasperated, everyone sits back down. CAITLYN is stunned.)
KEVIN
(Coughing.)
Hairball.
ETHEL
(Suddenly nervous from her son’s choking.)
Kevvy Cat, you have to learn how to chew your food or it doesn’t get to make it to that little tummy wummy.
(Pats KEVIN’S back and sits back down.)
Oh my goodness. George, did you even wash your hands when you walked through the door?
GEORGE
(Getting down to his knees on the floor near CAITLYN.)
Better late than never.
(GEORGE begins licking his hands disgustingly so that the sound of his licking is clearly audible.)
CAITLYN
(Horrified, while seeking protection from the couch.)
Woah, what’s he doing?!
(GEORGE suddenly looks up.)
GEORGE
Squeaky clean!
ETHEL
(Standing up, taking the tray of food back to the kitchen.)
Let me go check on that fish!
(Walks off SL.)
CAITLYN
Kevin, I want to go upstairs. I’m not feeling well.
GEORGE
(Cutting in.)
Caitlyn, Caitlyn, you’re doing fine. This is all new to you. Just take a breath. Hey Sport, maybe later, we’ll get to show her the morgue!
CAITLYN
(Fearing for her life.)
What? Did you say, “morgue?”
GEORGE
(ETHEL re-enters.)
Yep! My little cuddle kitty over there is partnered with the local animal hospital. They needed a place to store those little peasants before they buried ’em, so we figured, “Why not our very own family home?!” Just a warning though, the basement smells like death.
ETHEL
(Ripping off her apron and revealing a t-shirt that has a drawing of a dead dog and the words, “Home Is Where Animals Come to Decay…Support Cliffside Animal Clinic!”)
We even made t-shirts to support the building of the morgue itself! Yes, they’re a little graphic, but then again, so are we! Haha. I still can’t believe we pulled it off.
(Noticing the look of horror on CAITLYN’S face and quickly changing the subject.)
Aww.
(Sitting down next to KEVIN and cleaning him up a bit.)
My little Kevvy is the sweetest little thing.
(Whispering to CAITLYN.)
It’s really too bad that he still wets the bed. Prevents him from healthy societal interaction.
KEVIN
(Turning red with embarrassment.)
That was only three times!
GEORGE
So Caitlyn, what do you want to do as a profession?
CAITLYN
(Recovering from all that just happened.)
Umm. I think I want to go into elementary education. Right now I’m majoring in English, so I’ll probably get my Master’s in that, and then get my license.
GEORGE
Oh.
CAITLYN
(Now getting defensive.)
Is there something wrong with that?
GEORGE
No, not at all! Just, you know what they say. Those who can’t do, teach.
(Awkward pause.)
Caitlyn, tell us about your family.
CAITLYN
Well, I’m originally from Pennsylvania. My dad works with the Erie Insurance Group and my mom stays at home to take care of my little sister.
GEORGE
(In a disgusted manner.)
She doesn’t have a job?
CAITLYN
No, someone has to take care-
(She is interrupted by ETHEL.)
ETHEL
Caitlyn, aren’t you happy for my little Kevaloo? Finally realizing his true potential and going after his dreams!
CAITLYN
Oh, I didn’t realize he declared a major. What is it?
ETHEL
Catacommunication! I’m so proud!
(ETHEL and KEVIN laugh as she dotes on him joyfully.)
GEORGE
(Choked up, he gets up to shake his son’s hand.)
Boy, son. I sure am proud of you.
ETHEL
That reminds me! We forgot to call Grandma and tell her! She’ll be ecstatic! Come on, George!
(The two leave, and GEORGE blows his nose obnoxiously on the way out.)
CAITLYN
(Standing up.)
Kevin, I thought you were going into accounting.
KEVIN
Yeah…about that…
CAITLYN
Who even are you? You didn’t even tell me you declared a major. Let alone one in freaking talking to cats! And your father has the audacity to insinuate to me that my profession is stupid? Yeah, right. Because, the last time I checked, talking to humans makes a lot more sense than talking to cats.
KEVIN
He wasn’t insinuating-
CAITLYN
Yes, he was. And your mother. She cuts your food and feeds it to you! What? Does she write your name in your underwear, too? Is that why you won’t tell me who you took to prom? Was it her, Kevin?
(KEVIN is silent.)
You bring me here to your morgue with your cats and your mother and your father, who clearly needs to think before he makes jokes, and you expect me to, what? Like you more? Well, you’re mistaken. I’m leaving. I don’t know exactly what my future holds at this moment, but I’m going to do everything in my power to ensure it’s not this.
(She walks off SR.)
KEVIN
(Chasing after her, but not to the point where he’s offstage.)
Wait! Caitlyn! Don’t go!
(Walking back in and letting a few moments pass until calling off SR.)
Don’t think I don’t know about your secret!
CAITLYN
(Hurrying back in from SR skeptically.)
What secret?
KEVIN
Your hobby.
CAITLYN
(Looking embarrassed.)
How’d you know about that?
KEVIN
(Smiling.)
Your mom told me.
CAITLYN
Don’t judge me.
KEVIN
Caitlyn, you put pugs in tutus and choreograph acro jazz routines for them. And, don’t tell me you’ve only done it one time, either. Because I know that every Thursday when you tell me you’re going to the gym, you’re in the library. How do I know that, you ask? Well first, if you look in the student handbook, it says, “Pugs Not Drugs Club… President Caitlyn Bigelow.” And second, because I myself go to the gym every Thursday and you’re never there.
CAITLYN
What’s your point?
KEVIN
The point is that I love you anyway. I’m standing here ready to accept you for what you are, pugs and all, and yet you deny me for what I am. Yes, my family is weird and overbearing. Yes, my mother treats me like I’m three years old. But, they’re not bad people…just a little odd. And, I love you, Caitlyn. I think you’re beautiful and smart and I just want you to give me more opportunities to let me show you how much I care for you…I just wish you’d accept me the way I do you.
CAITLYN
I don’t talk to animals about their midlife crisis, Kevin.
KEVIN
Caitlyn, I’m not going to be a cat whisperer.
CAITLYN
You aren’t?
KEVIN
No. I just said that to make my mom happy. She’s here alone a lot. I feel bad for her.
CAITLYN
Oh.
KEVIN
But you know what I will be?
CAITLYN
What?
KEVIN
In love with you for the rest of my life and whatever’s after that.
(CAITLYN embraces KEVIN. GEORGE and ETHEL walk in.)
ETHEL
Aww. I love true love.
GEORGE
You know what I love? YOU.
ETHEL
(Looking at him passionately.)
Kiss me, you fool!
(The two kiss passionately on SL. CAITLYN and KEVIN chuckle and then kiss on SR. Lights go down.)