Featured in the 2015 Fall Issue of Rambunctious
By Giovanni Antonucci, ’17
SYRACUSE, USA — The Syracuse Board of Sentient Beings requests that we here at the Post remind readers of their impending doom, as well as the approaching annual Cesspool Appreciation Week. Beginning the weekend of the 18th, Syracuse will set aside a week in remembrance and celebration of cesspools.
Cesspools, as we all know, as vital to life here in Syracuse. Where would we be without our cesspools? Where else would we dispose of sewage, or, more commonly, the dismembered rotting corpses of our adversaries? Where else would we store our medieval weaponry and animal furs? What we do with our used seal clubs and hemostatic forceps if not keep them warm in the loving embrace of filth and rot? The fact of the matter is that we here in Syracuse need our cesspools.
Our Cesspool Appreciation Week sponsor, the man who was in the Barney suit, tells us why it is important that we take time to commemorate the importance of cesspools, and their cousins, the humble cesspit.
“Cesspools are the basis of all life on earth,” he tells us, “When we are born, we crawl, bloodied, our throbbing veins showing through our translucent skin, from the depths of Gaia’s Great Cesspool, and when we die, we crawl back in, dripping with primordial ooze, tuck in our talons, and sacrifice ourselves to the Fecal Gods.”
So, come the 18th, take a few hours to perform a ritual blood sacrifice in honor of your sect’s holiest cesspool. It is entirely possible that it will find a way to reward you through pulsating victory palpitations.